Battle Royale: The Noble Nine Plus Pichu
by Awesome Will v1
Summary: What would happen if the nine most popular characters on Mario, Sonic, Link, Solid Snake, Samus, Crono, Cloud Strife, Sephiroth and MegaMan had a fight? What about if Pichu was added? Bring in special guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin,


Author's Note: Please know that the fighting and who wins, loses and gets pwned are not in my opinion of who would win in an actual fight, and this has been written for the funny. Except Sonic, whatever happens in the fight involving him I think would actually happen. Otherwise this is for the funny.  
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The date was June 20th, 2004. At the office of Ceecee Jayson Ceeington the Third, or as he's commonly known, CJayC, a group of people were gathered.  
  
"Welcome, one and all" Said a voice in front of a chair. However, the back of the chair faces the camera so you can't see who's in front of it. "Welcome, my Noble Nine, to the annual discussion of how we're going to rig the Summer Contest. Now, who would like to present an argument?"  
  
"I'd like to say that I should reach the Elite Eight again, as these jerks have all gotten there twice" Sonic said. Crono opened to his mouth to say something, but then remembered that he couldn't speak or else the world would blow up. Sonic got the point nonetheless. "Oh, and mute-boy over here"  
  
"GET OVER HERE!" Yelled a voice.  
  
"Scorpion, you're not getting in the Elite Eight again. Get out of here" CJayC said.  
  
"Ah so..." Said a Chinese voice as Scorpion walked out in his mask and a pirate outfit.  
  
"What's with the outfit?" Asked Samus, who was sitting without her helmet.  
  
"It's laundry day" Replied Scorpion, walking out of the room.  
  
"So, any other motions?" CJayC asked.  
  
"Me!" Mario raised his hand. He too, was dressed as a pirate. He noticed the stares. "What? It was-a laundry day for me, too! DON'T JUDGE ME! Uh...anyway, I say that Crono stays out of my way and goes against Sonic!"  
  
"I'm too overrated to lose!" Sonic replied.  
  
"Oh yeah, you overgrown blue rat?!"  
  
"Yes, you fat red plumber!"  
  
"Don't-a make me pound you into bacon mist!"  
  
"Ew" Sonic said. The two began furiously throwing words at each other. Crono began mouthing words, since he was involved in Mario's motions. However, no voice came out, so he stood there yelling wordlessly.  
  
"Hey wait a minute...I didn't reach the Elite Eight twice either! I have to argue too!" MegaMan said, starting to yell nonsense as well.   
  
"Well, I made semifinals and finals, so I should get an easy division against Snake the weakling" Sephiroth added.  
  
"Who ya callin' weakling, ya nancy boy?" Growled Snake in his deep voice.  
  
"You're the weakest among us, Snake" Replied Cloud. "Except for the blue rat. He was easy to beat"  
  
And soon enough, Snake, Cloud and Sephiroth joined in the arguing with Mario, Sonic, MegaMan and Crono (sort of). At this point, Samus had stood up and spoke, causing the rest to stop arguing. "As the female here, I should please feminists and be a final four contestant for the first time. And to please the perverts and get them to vote for me, I should appear without my suit!"  
  
"You're the weakest among the three Nintendonians here!" Mario replied.  
  
"You mean Nintendorks!" Cloud added. Mario and Samus began yelling at Cloud, at which point all seven started yelling, with Crono still mouthing words but not getting any sound out.  
  
"Hey, I wanna argue too!" Link said. He began yelling at them as well, and soon it was an all-out yell-fest.  
  
"Gentlemen, gentlemen, lady, PLEASE!" CJayC yelled. "Don't make me put you in a single division. NOW, we can settle this like good, civilized--"  
  
"BATTLE ROYALE!" Screamed Samus.  
  
"YEAH!" Added Mario, Sonic, Link, Snake, Cloud, Sephiroth and MegaMan.  
  
The door creaked open and at that moment, Pichu, the small mouse Pokémon stepped into the room. "Pichu?"  
  
"AH! A MOUSE!" Sephiroth ran behind MegaMan. "I hate mice!" He noticed everyone staring. "I mean uh...I'm allergic to mice! Yeah, that's it!"  
  
"Pi? Pichu pi pichu!"  
  
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Laughed everyone, even Crono. According to his contract, he couldn't speak but he was allowed to laugh.  
  
CJayC wiped a tear of laughter from his face, at least from behind. "Sorry, Pichu, but you can't get in. Maybe next year...bwahahaha!"  
  
"Enough talk, let's get rid of the mouse!" Sephiroth raised his sword. "BA-LIM BA-LEEEEE!" He swung at Pichu, who ran out of the way.  
  
"Nice swing, numb nuts" Chuckled Cloud.  
  
"That's it! You're dead meat!" Sephiroth raised his sword again. "BA-LIM BA-LEEEEEEE!" He took a swing, only to be smashed out of the way by Mario, who began pounding him. Cloud was unharmed.  
  
"GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!" CJayC yelled.  
  
"BA-LIM BA-LEEEEE!" Sephiroth cut off half of CJayC's chair, revealing to the onlooking audience that he had messy hair.   
  
CJayC decided to ignore this. "I proclaim that the following match shall be set into place: Mario Mario versus Sonic the Hedgehog versus Link versus Solid Snake versus Samus Aran versus Crono versus Cloud Strife versus Sephiroth versus MegaMan!"  
  
"Pi, pichu pichu!" Pichu jumped up and down.  
  
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mario, Sonic, Link, Snake, Samus, Crono, Cloud, Sephiroth and MegaMan all broke into laughter again.  
  
"The mouse thinks he can win...this is funny. Hey, here's a hoot, let's let him into the match!" Cloud suggested.  
  
"Unless by some twist of terrible plot he wins for the sake of the funny...but let's do it anyway!" Sonic added.   
  
"Fine then" CJayC said. "The match shall be Mario Mario versus Sonic the Hedgehog versus Link versus Solid Snake versus Samus Aran versus Crono versus Cloud Strife versus Sephiroth versus MegaMan versus Pichu! The winner gets to choose one of the other Noble Nine plus Pichu, and together the three of us shall rig the contest! Now let us take an oath!"  
  
"Only dishonorable men take oaths!" Cloud announced. "Men such as us, honorable and noble, can surely be trusted in an alliance for the good of the contest and beating each other up for the amusement of the readers! Am I right?"  
  
"NO!" Yelled CJayC. "Now take the oath"  
  
They all sighed and read off the chalkboard in the room in unison, except for Crono, who couldn't talk, and Pichu, who was only speaking in his name language. "We hereby promise to uphold our battle royale for the best of the contest, which is really what we want, and not cheat in any way by bringing anything other than what we have with us into the fight. We also pledge that our fight shall be fun and exciting. And furthermore, the Dave Matthews Band rocks"  
  
"Hey wait a minute, the Dave Matthews Band does NOT rock!" Yelled Sonic. Cloud hit him on the head with the flat side of his sword. The group continued.  
  
"And lastly, Crono is mouthing the words so this counts for him, and crossing your fingers doesn't mean that the contract is void for you"  
  
"Damn" Growled Sephiroth, taking his hands out of his pockets.  
  
THE NEXT AFTERNOON  
  
British Narrator: The match is about to begin at the Pokémon Stadium, which has been redone to allow a huge audience and an even huger fight! And so we join an action-packed...  
  
Mario, Crono and Samus sat playing cards.  
  
British Narrator: No...but there's also...  
  
Snake was sitting around drinking some soda. Nearby, MegaMan was playing a Game Boy Advance SP, Cloud was taking a nap and Sephiroth was filing his nails.  
  
British Narrator: That's not it. There's also...  
  
Link, Pichu and Sonic were sitting observing the grass grow. "That one is going the fastest" Sonic said, pointing to one blade.  
  
British Narrator: Oh there's no way to put this! They haven't started fighting yet! They're as bored as a cheerleader in a library! This is about as action-packed as a bucket of grandmas! This is so--  
  
"Do you mind?!" Yelled Mario. "We're trying to wait for the referee"  
  
British Narrator: Sorry.  
  
A limo rolled up, and inside was the silhouette of CJayC. "Not presenting special guest referee...STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!"  
  
There was a loud glass shattering sound followed by Stone Cold Steve Austin's music. Austin came stomping out to the ring. "All right, let's get this on!"  
  
"Shouldn't there be introductions or something?" Asked Mario. Stone Cold gave him a double middle finger and kicked him in the gut. Everyone else proceeded to go towards someone and the fight began!  
  
Mario stumbled back towards the others. He grabbed Crono by the hair and pounded him in the face. Samus and MegaMan started blasting into the others, while Link spun around in a circle with his sword. Cloud was slashing everywhere and Sephiroth was jumped around trying to hit people while yelling "BA-LIM BA-LEEEE!" Snake was creeping around the circle, waiting for a chance to shoot while avoiding other people. Pichu was just running around, randomly using his Thunder Jolt on people as he did. Sonic, however, was overconfident.   
  
"Look at me, I'm overconfident!" Sonic yelled loudly. He ran into the fight, unaware he couldn't do much but run. Snake saw his opportunity and fired.  
  
"OW!" Yelled Sonic. He tried to run out of the circle, but was blasted by MegaMan and Samus at the same time with fully charged attacks.   
  
British Narrator: You know, the ones you charge by holding B on the Game Boy Advance games.  
  
"BA-LIM BA-LEEEEEEE!" Sephiroth slashed at Sonic, but his sword got stuck into the ground. He tried to pull it out, but was kicked in the butt by Mario. Sonic ran into a slash by Crono, who was waiting for someone to get close enough. At this point, Sonic was badly beaten. Cloud ran in and hit Sonic with the flat side of his sword, launching him into the crowd. Sonic bounced out towards where Pichu was.  
  
"Uh...hi?" Asked Sonic, who was too beaten to do much but lay there, hoping Pichu would have mercy.  
  
"PICHUUUUUUUU!" Yelled Pichu, summoning a thunder clap. Sonic yelled loudly as he was fried and his fur burned black like some kind of cartoon cliche.  
  
"SONIC IS OUT!" Stone Cold said.  
  
"Aw..." Sonic said. "I want to stay and fight! Look, I'm standing!"  
  
"I ain't takin' no lip from you, ya overgrown blue rat!" Austin punched Sonic in the head, and began stomping him now he was on the ground. Stone Cold stopped and stood for the crowd to cheer. Sonic tried to run away, but was tired and slower than his fanboys would actually say in the first place, giving Stone Cold a chance to run at him and hit him with an outstretched arm across the chest, I.E., a Clothesline. As Sonic got up, Austin held up two middle fingers towards him, thrust a boot to the hedgehog's stomach and gave him a Stone Cold Stunner. The crowd cheered wildly as he kicked Sonic a few feet in front of the audience. One down, nine to go.  
  
At this point, most people had picked an opponent. Crono and Cloud were going at it in a battle of spiky haired RPG heroes with swords. Cloud was winning due to the fact that it was only swords in this fight, and he had a longer sword. He also had a longer steel implement with a handle that he used for a weapon, which gave him the range advantage. MegaMan and Samus were shooting at each other with their similar button schemes. Link was dodging attacks from Sephiroth, who was yelling "BA-LIM BA-LEEEE!" With each slash, missing each time. Mario was jumping above attacks by Snake, who was shooting at him from afar. Mario was using a spare fireball where he could. And Pichu was running around the circle, using a spare electric attack to hit people where he could.  
  
Pichu decided it was time to go into the fight full! He quickly charged up his full Skull Bash and launched himself into Solid Snake. The attack, at fully charged rate, was extremely devastating, and sent Snake flying as well as zapping him. "AHHH!" Yelled Snake. Unfortunately for him, he was headed towards Sephiroth, who was still missing Link with his attacks.  
  
"BA-LIM BA-LEEEEE!" Yelled Sephiroth.  
  
"Uh-oh" Snake said. The crowd covered their eyes in horror. Snake's pants were cut right in half, and they fell off soon after, revealing boxers stitched with Hello Kitty.  
  
"BOOOOOOO!" Jeered the crowd, as the man who was supposed to be the most rugged one around was revealed to be wearing Hello Kitty-themed undergarments.  
  
"You're a WUSS!" Yelled Mario. He kicked Snake in the gut and began pounding him. Out of their extreme disgust, Link, Samus, MegaMan, Crono, Cloud, Sephiroth and Pichu all stopped their feuding and began attacking Snake all at once. Stone Cold Steve Austin even stopped his officiating and joined the beating. Now under extreme pressure, Snake began shooting wildly, catching Crono and knocking him over. His blast bounced off Samus, who shot a missile and launched Snake over the crowd.  
  
"The Hello Kitty-lovin' freak is out!" Announced Steve Austin. The crowd cheered even more. And so eight remained. Mario, Link, Samus, Crono, Cloud, Sephiroth, MegaMan and Pichu.  
  
"BA-LIM BA-LEE!" Yelled Sephiroth, slicing his sword towards Pichu. Pichu dodged, then turned around and slapped his own butt to taunt Sephiroth. Sephiroth continued to try to slash Pichu, not hitting a single time.  
  
"Hey, Samus!" MegaMan called as a dodged a blast from Samus.  
  
"Yeah?" Asked Samus, shooting her own blast to block an incoming one from MegaMan.  
  
"How's it goin'?" MegaMan questioned, shooting furiously.  
  
"All right" Samus replied, curling into a ball and rolling below MegaMan's attacks. "You?"  
  
"Can't complain" MegaMan leapt into the air and began shooting at a downward angle at Samus. "Hey, you know who beat you in the first Summer Contest?"  
  
"Yeah, Chickenbroth" Replied Samus, shooting missiles at MegaMan.  
  
"What say we team up and get rid of him?" MegaMan offered, running at Samus and punching her in the gut.  
  
"Sounds good" Replied Samus, kicking him in the face. The two stopped fighting and turned towards Sephiroth. "Set your arm blaster to Whip Overrated Ass"  
  
"Mine's stuck on Beat Armored Whore" Replied MegaMan, trying to move a small lever on his arm cannon. Samus whacked him on the head, and the two began to charge up their attacks to the maximum, pointing at Sephiroth. "DIE!" They both yelled, shooting their blasts.  
  
"Oh look, a bobby pin" Sephiroth kneeled and picked up the bobby pin. Samus and MegaMan's blasts missed him, and headed for...  
  
"Pichu..." Pichu groaned as his ears lowered. A loud explosion caused everyone to look over as Pichu was sent flying through the air. "PICHU! PIIIIIIIICHUUUUUUU!" Yelled Pichu, turning into a star in the background sky. Which was odd, because they were indoors.  
  
"Pichu is out!" Announced Austin.  
  
"Good, Pichu didn't win for the funny" Cloud said. Crono ran at Cloud, who stuck out his Buster Sword. Crono gasped and tried to dodge, but ran into Cloud's sword, getting impaled in the stomach. Crono's eyes widened and he screamed at the top of his lungs.  
  
Then the world blew up. But the Pokémon Stadium stood on a single strip of the Earth's land floating arbitrarily in space, and nobody noticed this.  
  
"BA-LIM BA-LEEEE!" Yelled Sephiroth, slicing his sword. It got stuck in Cloud's shirt, but not hitting Cloud himself. And so the three RPG heroes were stuck together.  
  
"AH-AH-AH-AH!" Link yelled as he came swinging in like Tarzan, his Hookshot attached to the roof. He kicked Sephiroth as hard as possible, sending him flying into the audience. Cloud, who was still snagged on Sephiroth's sword, went flying with him, and Crono went as well, still impaled on Cloud's sword. The two bounced off the audience into the space behind the audience, which was full of garbage, excess food and soda, with tons of sticky spots on the floor. In addition, there were bugs and rats, making it not a pleasant place to be. Yet the RPG characters were there.  
  
"Cloud Strife, Crono and Sephiroth! They're all out!" Announced Stone Cold. There were only four left.  
  
"Listen" Mario whispered to Link and Samus. "We're-a the Nintendo characters, so let's-a join forces and get-a rid of MegaMan!"  
  
"That works"  
  
"Bloody good!" Mario said in a British accent. Link and Samus looked at him strangely. "I mean, let's-a go!" He said in his usual Italian accent.  
  
Mario began shooting fireballs in MegaMan's direction, while Samus used her blaster and Link shot arrows and bombs. MegaMan was bombarded with these attacks.  
  
"I...won't...let it end this way!" Growled a voice. Sephiroth climbed onto the stands, covered in stuff thrown in the back of the stands with bugs all over him.   
  
"Hey, are you gonna help us up now?" Asked Cloud, who was standing on Crono's shoulders, apparently having helped Sephiroth get up. Sephiroth kicked Cloud, causing him and Crono to fall back down.  
  
Sephiroth swung his sword around and swished his hair.  
  
"Oooh" Said the crowd.  
  
A meteor came through the roof and smashed into the stadium. However, it was a small meteor because it wasn't big enough to do much to the stadium outside of the fighting ground. However, Mario was completely leveled because of it, and Samus badly hurt. Link was able to dodge, but MegaMan wasn't so lucky. Mario was completely out, as he took a few steps and fell over.  
  
"Mario is out!" Announced Stone Cold.  
  
And now there were only three left. Link. Samus. MegaMan.  
  
MegaMan shot his blaster at Samus, breaking a huge chunk of her armor. He then ran forward and turned into MegaMan X, shooting horrendous amounts of missiles and explosives at her. Samus was sent flying into the stands, and was eliminated.  
  
"The robot chick is out!" Stone Cold Steve Austin announced.  
  
And now Link and MegaMan were left, facing off. "Hey, Link, you want to cancel the match and get a soda?" MegaMan asked.  
  
"Sure"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"NO!" Link leapt into the air and came down at MegaMan, stabbing the top of his head. He then landed and throw a bomb at MegaMan, launching him into the air and proceeded to throw a boomerang before the robot hit the floor. As MegaMan struggled to get up, Link held up his bow and shot an arrow at MegaMan, who crashed into the stands.  
  
"HOLD IT!" Austin said. "The only way to decide this final match is the GameFAQs way--a vote. Audience, press the button on your keypad that says either 'Link' or 'MegaMan' to decide who wins"  
  
"I vote Crono!" Said a skinny short kid with glasses and dorky looking hair, wearing a purple T-shirt that said 'Cr0n0 = 1337!'. A boot came flying at his head, and the kid was knocked over.  
  
Stone Cold was handed a number from a random person. "And the winner is...ME!" He yelled, kicking Link and hitting him with a Stunner. MegaMan came at Stone Cold, but was too worn out to do much but receive the boot-and-stunner combo as well. SCSA threw MegaMan on Link and pinned them both.  
  
"One! Two! Three!" Yelled the audience. Stone Cold Steve Austin's theme music played.  
  
"Ah geez, that's not fair" Said a fully clothed Snake, walking in with Mario, Sonic, Samus, Crono, Cloud, Sephiroth and Pichu, all of whom weren't hurt or damaged in any way. They looked exactly like they did before the fight started.  
  
"Wha...wait, HOLD IT!" Screamed Link. "What just happened here?! We got into a fight to decide who'd rig the contest, and for no apparent reason at all a wrestler enters the match as the referee, then wins! Where did he come from? Why is he in? And does he get to rig the contest? And why does everyone suddenly return uninjured after a huge fight?!"  
  
"I think I have a song that will explain everything" A British accent said. They all looked over and saw...Crono. He took a cane and put on a top hat. He started a dance. "I once knew an egg by the name of Steve; born to a moo cow I believe; wore pants, suspenders and a tie; only washed his face on the fifth of July! Steve took a nap in a frying pan and woke up next to sausages! Steve the Egg, Steve the Egg, how'd he wear pants without no legs? Steve the Egg, Steve the Egg, he woke up next to sausages! Yeah"  
  
They all looked oddly at Crono. "I get it now!" Mario said, taking out a top hat and cane. Sonic, Link, Snake, Samus, Cloud, Sephiroth, MegaMan, Pichu and Stone Cold Steve Austin followed. They all joined Crono in the song and dance routine. "Steve the Egg, Steve the Egg, how'd he wear pants without no legs? Steve the Egg, Steve the Egg, he woke up next to sausages!"  
  
THE END 


End file.
